OTTAWA (SLC) -- Despite a growing public backlash against what Ottawa Senators fans are calling a smear campaign stoked by "those two fatties and the bald guy", the Ottawa Sun remains steadfast in its mission to rid the team's roster of any and all players those same fans actually like.

"It has come to our attention" today's Sun press release read, "that there remain unexplored personal stories about Senators players that, when exposed for no other reason than the production of titillating headlines, will not only allow our writing staff to continue to justify their slovenly, unshaven, sweat pants clad, free chicken wing inhaling existence, but will also ensure that the Ottawa Senators become a pariah throughout the NHL, spurned by draft picks and free agents alike, thus creating a perfect storm of negative stories that can be mined into eternity, and therefore furthering Don Brennan's quixotic quest to be seen as a real journalist when he isn't chasing Hooters girls in a drunken stupor and running out on bar tabs.  HAHAHA!  Oh, yeah, let's send that one out.  What?  No, of course that's not the official release dumba**.  Stupid fu**ing interns.  WAIT! NO! DON'T HIT SEN---"

Fuelling the debate was a story in today's edition about winger Chris Neil's three brothers screwing up their construction company and declaring bankruptcy, a company in which Chris Neil may or may not have been the majority owner.  We're not sure.  The story gets a little fuzzy at that point, truth be told.  A little.  Kinda.  But the Sun absolutely maintains that Chris Neil was totally involved.  Tenuously.  They think.  Maybe.

"C'mon now", said a Sun sports editor who asked that his name not be used.  "Do you honestly think that, under ordinary circumstances, we'd be interested in three goat fu**ing yutzes who can't pay their bills?  Please.  Chris Neil's name makes this a story."  When pressed on how this could possibly be of any concern to anyone but that of the parties involved or how Neil's reported fiduciary difficulties reflected his worth to the team on the ice, the editor replied "Fu**ed if I no.  I cover real sports, like professional wrestling" before grabbing a fifth of bourbon from his desk drawer and diving through a third floor window.

Coming, as it does, hard on the heels of Bruce Garrioch's latest hard hitting story in his ongoing campaign to drive Jason Spezza out of town on a rail, there is a growing feeling among Sens Army that the publisher of the Ottawa Sun, Montreal based Quebecor may have ulterior motives.  Namely, that by directing their idiotic minions to invade the privacy of Senator fan favourites and publishing irrelevant materiel about their private lives, no player will ever want to sign in Ottawa, thus ensuring a perpetual third place finish in the North East Division to the Montreal Canadiens.

"I stopped taking anything the Sun writes about the Sens seriously years ago.", said one obscure Sens blogger of little note and even less renown.  "Stevenson is a wannabe Cox, Garrioch is a joke, and that drunk son of a bit** Brennan still owes me sixty bucks.  Fu**ing bar tab skipping, walk-out fu**tard".

When asked for a rebuttal, Mister Garrioch replied "Malkin to the Kings.  Bank."

Comments (9)

Name

Email

Website

Title

Comment

smaller | bigger

Subscribe via email (registered users only)

Add Comment