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The internets are a powerful force. They are also very very dangerous. When harnessed to the Power of the White, they bring delights of hitherto unimaginable magnificence (who knew Little People were so bendy?!?). On the flip side, when used for evil they produce Eklund, or worse, this guy.
So it is with some trepidation that I venture into the belly of the Beast, ever mindful of those sage words once uttered to me by some dude wearing pyjamas while hanging from the ceiling: With great power, comes great responsibility. Then he said "See ya! I gotta go bang Kirsten Dunst" and jumped out the window. Then again, that may have happened only in my head. Either way, thanks...jerk.
But I digress.
I want Mike Fisher on the Canadian Olympic team. And I want you to help me get him there.
On Saturday, the Ottawa Citizen ran a column by senior hockey scribe (and noted Doucheldorf apologist) Wayne Scanlan in which he offered up his first cut at Canada's Olympic roster (note to our bewildered American readers: the roster will be officially announced on New Year's Eve before a breathless, and most probably drunken populace and roughly eleventy billion media people, live, on every available network, coast-to-coast. Between now and then, the composition of the Canadian Olympic Men's Hockey Team will be the single most important issue across the entire country. See what happens when you don't have to worry about health care? Think about it...).
After rolling out a group of forwards that included Corey Perry, Patrick Sharp and Steven Stamkos, he ended the list thusly:
(In the mix: Jonathan Toews, Mike Fisher, Shane Doan, Ryan Smyth, Martin St. Louis)
With all due respect to Wayne (and that's precious little, by-the-by), My Man Fish deserves to be on the team ahead of any and all those mentioned above. Here are a few reasons why:
- Fish has more goals than both Jeff Carter and Ryan Smith, including four (FOUR!) game winners in 22 games.
- Ryan Smith is 312 years old, and without Anze Kopitar, would be driving both L.A. Kings fans batshit crazy.
- Steven Stamkos is not 312 years old. Sure, his 29 points on a shitty team may look sexy, but it's a long, LONG way from ripping it up against the Panthers and Islanders in an indifferent market (to put it kindly) to playing the best of the best in your own country with 30 million people dissecting your every move. That kind of pressure can crack grown men in half, let alone somebody younger than my paper boy. You'll get your chance Steven. Just not this year.
- Shane Doan. 38th in league scoring on a surprisingly successful Hamilton Kansas City Phoenix team. Not to say I wouldn't want him in a Sens uniform following the inevitable dispersal draft...but still. 38th.
- Jonathan Toews has spent the last month trying to remember how to tie his own skates.
- Mike Fisher, while a natural centre, will play anywhere and everywhere you ask. In fact, his most successful games this season have come from the wing. Stamkos and Richards? Not so much.
- Small ice. I'm not sure who we had to bribe at the IOC (my guess? Every single one of them) but not having to play on Euro ice gives Fish the upper hand on just about everybody. Nobody, and I mean nobody, forechecks with the tenacity and mindless disregard for his own safety like he does. Seriously, the man is a relentless killbot. Heatley couldn't find a corner with a map and Pierre Maguire's dick.
So there you are Canuckleheads. Just some of my reasons why Mike Fisher needs to play in the Olympics. Feel free to add your own, bearing in mind that if you disagree with me, you're obviously a pinko commie bastard who should be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion (I keed...I keed. I accept all viewpoints here. No matter how wrong).
How can you help make this happen? Spread the word. Tell your friends. Coerce your family. Tell Hockey Canada. Anything. Whatever works. Mike Fisher, Olympian, must happen, if for no other reason than the fact that, as far as good luck charms go, this beats the living shit out of a Loonie buried at centre ice:

Your move, Corey.
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Now, Fisher is hot right now, and has been very clutch. I would certainly include him on my team right now, ahead of some of the other bubble players (St Louis, Morrow, Toews, Sharp).