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Before we begin, I want to make one thing perfectly clear. Anyone, and I mean anyone, from blogger to sports writer to PIERRE MAGUIRE!! to the Omniscient Deity of Your Choice to the Oracle At Delphi...anyone who tells you that they know exactly how the 2009-2010 edition of the Ottawa Senators shapes up or where they will finish is talking straight from their respective asses and should be brutally punished for their hubris. In fact, you have my permission...NAY, blessing to beat them about the head and neck. Especially that Maguire fellow.
There are so many new faces, and so many question marks around those new faces, that predicting where we'll be come the 10th of April is more an exercise in witchcraft than solid analysis. And like our level headed ancestors of yore, we should all endeavour to unearth these unholy covens of blasphemy and purify practitioners with repeated readings of "The Toronto Maple Leafs 1977-1989: An Illustrated History". That'll learn them heathen bastards.
So, I trust we're perfectly clear? Excellent! Now follow me through the jump as I take you line by line through the dressing room and tell you exactly how the 2009-2010 edition of the Ottawa Senators will shape up and where they'll finish.
Ironic, isn't it? Now, let's GIDDY! THE FUCK! UP!
Forwards:
1st Line: Michalek -- Spezza -- Alfredsson
I saw something last Friday night that literally knocked me on my ass. Picture, if you will, Giggles carrying the puck down the wall in the offensive zone, headed toward the corner. Coming at an angle, that irresistible force of smash, Zdeno Chara. My exact train of thought went like this: Oh goody, here comes another panicky blind pass to nobod-- What? He's keeping it? Whoa! HE'S IN THE CORNER! WHOA! HE'S SKATING THROUGH THE HIT! HE PUT IT OUT FRONT! HOLY SHIT! And then I tripped over my dog and fell down.
Couple this world rocking revelation with Jason's unusually frank verbosity during this summer's L'Affaire Doucheldorf and the dangling carrot that is an Olympic invite and we may well be witnessing the evolution of one Jason Spezza into something no one would have ever expected...a leader. Then again, as so many things have been with 19, it could all just be a mirage and I'll be punching fresh holes in the drywall by December.
Alfie will continue to be, well, Alfie. The rock upon which everything else rests. Sure, he'll be 37 in December. And, yeah, he might be a step or two slower. And he doesn't come off the half boards into the slot with the authority he once did. But disparage The Captain, our Living God, and I may well be forced to kill you. Nothing personal, you understand.
I'll admit, I know next to nothing about Milan (stupid Pacific time zone), but so far I like what I've seen, if only for his decidedly un-Dany-esque back checks and net crashes. Not that that will stop me from calling him out if he parks fewer than 25 goals for us. Sorry, Milan. I'm just bitchy that way.
2nd Line: Fisher -- Regin -- Kovalev
Um...yikes?
My man crush for Fish is as strong as ever; never doubt that. I want to have him cloned and make him the coach of every minor hockey team in the country in order to create an army of indestructible single minded forechecking killbots whose sole mission will be to lay waste to all and sundry opposition for the next eleventeen Winter Olympics (winning score of every game? 1-0) But I gotta tell ya, it's getting harder and harder to defend the man. From his preseason results, it looks like the move to the wing may have helped. Then again, it was preseason, so there's a chance everything will still go to shit. Then it's just you and me, Fish, fending off the howling masses with nothing but your giant $6.5M novelty cheque, a handful of bibles and Carrie Underwood.
As for Peter, I'm going to be uncharacteristically generous here and reserve judgement. For now. Will our newly christened Danish Wonder grow a set and take his place among men, or will he bochenski (oh yeah, I went there) once the puck drops for real and the games start to matter. I honestly have no idea, but you can probably tell which way I'm leaning.
Then there's AK27. If The Donald can copyright "You're FIRED!" then I respectfully request I be allowed to do the same with "Enigmatic" and charge a nickel for each and every time the word appears anywhere between now and the second week of April (them monkey butlers ain't feedin' themselves, kids). My prediction based on nothing but fervent wishes? 30 goals, 70 points and a bleeding ulcer for yours truly.
So to recap...our continuing quest for that mythical "secondary scoring" is made up of, and entirely dependant upon, a chronic underachiever with the heart of a lion, a 23 year old kid I'm not convinced should even be on the team and an enigmatic (CHA-CHING!) Russian who can't or won't decide until the pre-game warm up whether he'll actually play that night. Nope. I see no way in which this can end badly.
3rd Line: Foligno -- Shannon -- Cheechoo
I've said it before, and I will say it again. And again. And, quite possibly, again. The ONLY way the Heatley trade works, saves The Bryan's job, rejoices the children and causes dogs and cats to live together in peace and harmony is if Cheech is on the first line* feeding off the sweet sweet effluent of Jason Spezza's golden hands. Evidently, CiCi doesn't agree. Fine. That's why I spend my days in a cube rather than lounging about 1000 Palladium Drive being fed peeled grapes by palm frond waving Ice Girls. But heed my words come January when Jonathan is mired in a twelve game scoring slump and everyone is busying themselves with the preparation of torches and pitchforks.
*Assumes nothing new, or old for that matter, breaks in our newly arrived salary cap gobbler. Just sayin'...
As for Runaway Shannon...well, even if I can't help but close my eyes and wince whenever he ventures into a corner, I have to admit I love the little guy. Gifted with ridonkulous speed, he should be good for 15 goals and at least as many assists, most of which will be to the benefit of Little Nicky.
Speaking of whom, you just keep on keepin' on, Nick. You already look light years ahead of where you were at this point last year, and your utter fearlessness bordering on insanity about crashing the net seriously warms the cockles of this jaded heart. Keep it up, and I may just have to make some room on my Man-Crush Mantle for your bobble head.
4th Line: Ruutu -- Kelly -- Neil
I hereby christen thee the Baby Got Back Line. If the Ottawa Senators were a woman, hip-hop artists the world over would be composing badly constructed, overtly misogynistic lyrical miracles dedicated to her epic back end. With a combined salary of 4.3 million dollars, that is one HUGE ass. Will it work, even if K-Rok is traded by early December (see file: Winchester, Jesse)? Probably. Will watching opposing forwards go completely apeshit with frustrated rage as they completely melt down into a puddle of board chewing goo between now and then be the most fun Sens fans have had, well, ever? You bet your huge ass it will.
The View From The Press Box:
Donovan, Winchester (for now)
In a perfect world, and because I like him, SheanDon would see his 14 years of loyal NHL service duly rewarded with quality 4th line minutes and a shiny watch. Alas, this is not a perfect world. Sorry, Shean. Have you given any thought to coaching?
Jesse gets a pass until he gets back from his ouchy knee sometime next month, at which point something will have to give in order for him to fulfill his evident destiny, that of perpetual 4th line center, judging from last season. Just think of him as a younger, cheaper Chris Kelly, and everything will be fine.
Defence:
Phillichenkov
Time to pull out the way back machine, folks. For the team to go anywhere, it's imperative that our implacable cyclops of shut-down glory find its 2007 form. If Chris slips even just a little bit due to some strange affliction, like say...age...or if A-Train takes one too many pucks off that fat puss of his...well, it's over.
Kuba -- Karlsson
Jesus Christ but is this pairing terrifying. And not in a good way. Not to put too fine a point on it, I despise Filip Kuba and his soft, wimpy ways. Not only that , but I will forever consider The Bryan's offer of a three year contract to this bucket of Jell-O an act of purest lunacy. That said, we're stuck with him. As for Erik The He'd-Better-Eventually-Be Fucking-Great, while his sick passes to streaking forwards during the pre-season did have me somewhat aroused, the fact remains, the kid is 19 years old. And a midget. A skinny one at that. The only thing I'm sure of? These two will have me at death's door by Christmas.
Campoli -- Karkner
While I'm still not completely sold on 14, I don't think I'm overstating things when I say that opting for Matt Karkner over Brian Lee might be the singular stroke of genius that saves our season, if not the franchise itself! Nope, no exaggeration there at all. Trust me. You'll thank me for that next Tuesday. And by-the-by Colton, you're officially on notice.
Picard
Pull up a chair, son. Unless you finally figure out how to hit somebody, it's going to be a long season. Or, conversly, a rather short one.
Goaltending:
Pascal Leclaire
My stars, have we finally, after 17 years of wandering the desert, finally found a true, bona fide #1 goalie? Or will the Great Vortex of Suck that surrounds this franchise and has devoured EVERY SINGLE ONE of his predecessors claim another victim? The answer, friends, lies within Pascal's left ankle and the skill of his surgeons. Pray that the answer is "yes".
Brian Elliot
Young Brian did extremely well by us under very trying circumstances last season and deserves our thanks and praise. For the first time since the days of Rhodes/Tugnutt, I no longer dread the possibility of the starter going down. That said, I'm sorry Brian, but you have to know you're now just the place warmer for our next great padded hope...Gigantor.
Fearless Prognostication:
In order of Potential to Fuck Up Everything, the questions surrounding the 2009-2010 Ottawa Senators read as follows:
- Will Pascal's ankle hold together? (Here's hopin')
- Will AK27 decide to play more often than not? (Ditto)
- Can Cheech find even a small glimmer of his former self and get the 20 to 25 goals we absolutely need from him? (Christ, I hope so).
- Will Milan make up the rest of the Dany Deficit? (Shouldn't be a problem)
- Can Coach CiCi recapture the forechecking madness he harnessed for the last 40 games of last season? (Why the hell not?)
- Will the effect of having an incredibly gifted if small and pathetically raw rookie paired with a perpetual bag of useless pus on defence send me into a bile spewing apoplectic rage? (You bet your ass it will)
So now we've reached the money shot. Remember when I said, oh...about a million words ago, that there are too many questions surrounding this team to figure out how the hell this season was going to go? Well, I wasn't kidding, but I'm going to do it anyway, because that's just the way I roll. And I'm a sucker for punishment.
The top four in the East are a lock, in any order you wish to put them. Bruins, Flyers, Caps, Pens. But after that, it's a cesspool of mud wrasslin' mediocrity, with as many as seven teams fighting for the last four playoff spots. On paper (GAWD how I hate that phrase) there's no reason to think the Sens aren't good enough to crawl out of the muck before everybody else.
I'll say all goes according to plan and we finish second in the division and 6th in the Conference behind Carolina but ahead of New Jersey, Montreal and (GASP!) the Leafs (ooooh...ninth place. SO close!).
Good enough to return to that which is our God given birthright, the Stanley Cup Playoffs, but not good enough to make a run. Not on your life. Not yet, anyway (paging Messrs Wiercoch, Smith, Lehner and Cowen, to the white courtesy phone please). But then, that's why they play the games, isn't it?
Now drop the fucking puck. We got some hockey to play.
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Seriously, with most of the analysts picking the Sens at 4th or last in the division, wouldn't it be downright delightful to see the wheels come off and the top 11 (in the East) of last year do a near complete flip?
(I'd still leave the Laffs in 10th)
They forget that CC brought a top line and AHL roster with a tandem of Mikka Kiprusoff backups (OK I'd probably take Auld/Elliott over a pair of Mclhinneys but you get the point) to a winning record over those 35 games.
Depth, goaltending, D one year more developed.
All it needs is a dose of chemistry.
How the fuck can the team not fare better?