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I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time over the last couple of days (sorry, Your Majesty) trying to figure out which particular element of our drama queen's desertion (and make no mistake, that's exactly what it is...if we were at war, The Bryan would be perfectly within his rights to have you keel hauled, Dany) has angered me the most. And I think I've finally figured it out. All I needed was the right combination of unmitigated gall, and unbelievable selfishness. Throw in a pinch of parasitic agent, stir, and presto! You got yourself a rant.
It isn't the fact that yet another "superstar" wants to tear up a perfectly valid seven year contract he was more than happy to sign a scant nineteen months ago because he doesn't like something. We live in a T.O. world, kids, and besides, after Alexei Yashin, I'm immune to the histrionics of spoiled little boys.
It isn't the fact that I've been forced to completely re-evaluate my opinion of one Jason Spezza, although I admit, that's been more than a little irritating. As quite a few people have pointed out, Heatley's actions have served to highlight how loyal a soldier Giggles has really been to the organization over the years, quietly going about his business without complaint. And they'd be right. Which is annoying as hell. Now, I'll need to guard against actual, honest to God sympathy from tainting my self-righteous anger at his first inevitable jackass turnover next season. And I hate that.
It's not the infuriating idiocy of front loading his contract with a $4M bonus payment due on the 1st of July, which renders any trade before then, let alone the draft, almost impossible. After all, this was only idiocy in hindsight. At the time the contract was signed, we were all just one big happy family with no idea how pathetically rotten the character of our erstwhile Golden Boy really was.
It isn't even Dany's motives for demanding the trade. He's pissed that a new coach has the temerity to ask him to do what's best for the team (as opposed to what's best for Dany), impose sanctions when he doesn't, and call him out in public for it? We should be thankful. No, really! Think about it. Since the run to the Final, and ensuing decent into The Suck, we fans have been asking ourselves "what the hell is wrong with this team?" There was a cancer somewhere, that much was obvious, but we didn't know where. So we cheered when Corvo was run out of town (ahem...mea culpa), howled with delight when Rayzor, Paddock, Hartsburg and Gerber were tossed overboard (not entirely without cause mind you) and after each and every purge, declared the team "fixed!" What we didn't know, couldn't know, dazzled as we were by all them purty numbers, was that the real problem wore #15. But we do now. So thanks for that.
No, it isn't any of those things. It's this: Dany Heatley thinks it's totally acceptable to demand a trade AND invoke his no trade clause. At the same time...
The growing suspicion among league executives and agents contacted by the Citizen is that Heatley's agents have not only given Murray a list of preferred teams, they've also named one or two as their top choices.
I cannot possibly describe the waves of revulsion and rage that washed over me when I read that this morning. Beloved could. My neighbour could. My dog probably could too, if he ever comes out from under the bed. But not me.
I have to ask, Dany. Does it hurt to revolve around yourself like that?
Here's how this would play out if I were The Bryan, Dany. I would do my job and "honour" your little fit of pique by making the best deal I could. But it sure as shit wouldn't be the best deal for you. No, your well being would be the furthest thing from my mind. I would make the best deal for the team (remember those guys? No? I'll show you a picture). Whether that means you end up somewhere you don't necessarily want to go (hello, Long Island!) or not, I wouldn't much give a rat's ass.
I suppose you could always refuse to accept the trade, and that's your right under the contract you currently refuse to honour. That's fine too. In that case, you'll sit, under suspension, until such time as you give your head a shake and figure out who holds the hammer here. Either way, your salary is off the books, and the rest of the team can go on its merry way with 7.5 mil in extra cap space.
And you would sit for as long as it takes Dany. The Ottawa Senators own your pompous ass for the next six years, boyo. Yashin tried this, and failed. Don't think the same thing wouldn't happen to you.
Update: Do yourselves a favour Sens fans, and read Meaghan's absolutely brilliant explosion of mots justes. The OBC support group starts there. And we'll have a kick ass soundtrack.
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HHHHHHHHHHH.
I think my head just exploded.