Photo: Andre Ringuette/NHLI via Getty Images

Congratulations on the recent purchase of your new Motherland Antique Restoration And Heavy Industries product.

Your Emery Model 2.0 has been designed and manufactured to ensure weeks of enjoyment on the part of you, the proud new owner.  However, before using this product, please read the IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS which follow to ensure safe and trouble free installation and operation of your Emery Model 2.0.

When using your Emery Model 2.0, basic safety precautions should always be followed to reduce the risk of fire, electric shock, intoxication, random beatings, and indiscriminate destruction of property, including the following:

1. Avoid leaving this product unsupervised: Your Emery Model 2.0 is not equipped with an internal chronometer.  Should you require the use of this product in specific locations or at predetermined times, it is important that external add-ons such as Motherland Antique Restoration And Heavy Industries' Remotely Operated Telephonic Communication Apparatus (not included) be installed for optimal performance.  This hazard is most prevalent in the early morning hours.
   
   
2. Never disturb this product during vehicular transport: In order to preserve proper functionality of the Emery Model 2.0's factory installed synaptic matrix, it is vital that all steps be taken to guard against any and all possible disruptions while this product is in transit.  Failure to do so may result in unpredictable and possibly violent anti-social behaviour.  Ensuing property damage will not be covered under warranty.
   
   
3. Always ensure compatibility of this product with ancillary components: There is a risk that, if not properly maintained, your Emery Model 2.0 will not properly interface with your pre-existing systems.  Should this occur, the Emery Model 2.0 must be disconnected from the mainframe and rebooted in order to lessen the chances of a complete systemic collapse.  Ensuing property damage will not be covered under warranty.

Troubleshooting:

• My Emery Model 2.0 will not interface with Biron 7.2.1. Suggestion -- The two systems are incompatible.  In order to ensure proper performance of Emery Model 2.0, all versions of Biron must be uninstalled.  Motherland Antique Restoration And Heavy Industries' engineers are currently working to solve the problem.  Ensuing property damage will not be covered under warranty.
  
  
• My Emery Model 2.0 keeps increasing demands for system inputs. Suggestion -- As this product becomes better established within your pre-existing system, it will place greater demands upon its governing processes.  This is a normal outcome of installing all versions of Emery and no fix is planned.
  
  
• My Emery Model 2.0 is missing. Suggestion -- Conduct thorough search of immediate area in the following order: beds, couches, cots, closets, accident scenes, taverns, and brothels.  This search method has been rated at a 97% probability of success.
  
  
• My Emery Model 2.0 keeps trying to punch me in the face. Suggestion -- Never attempt to force the product into wearing a hat.  Ensuing property damage will not be covered under warranty.

Thank you once again for your purchase, and we hope that you enjoy your new product.  Please address any concerns to our service desk where one of our Customer Service Representatives will be more than happy to giggle like a schoolgirl while suppressing the urge to mock you mercilessly.  Ensuing property damage will not be covered under warranty.

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