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10 Signs Your Hockey Team Has Been Purchased By Celine Dion E-mail
Written by SLC   
Friday, 17 April 2009 18:53

Those of you not fortunate enough to be of Canuckistanian descent can't possibly fathom the subtle influence Celine Dion exerts upon our fair nation.  For example, Canadian Content regulations, imposed on private broadcasters by the Trudeau government were enacted at virtually the same moment she released her first album.  Coincidence?  I think not. 

Nationalized health care...an eight year old Celine comes down with chicken pox.  NAFTA?  Somebody decided she'd like to live somewhere not buried in snow six months of the year without taking out U.S. citizenship (Look it up!  It comes right after the clause where we agree to surrender our hardwood, Pacific Salmon, Atlantic Cod and fresh water to keep that ShamWow dude from beating up our hookers).  The list is truly endless.

So it should come as no surprise to anyone that she would make a play for yet another cherished (by some) Canadian institution...the Montreal Canadiens.  However, having spent a few years wandering the Nevada desert subsisting on nothing but locusts, mineral water and the praise of a sycophantic retinue, she may not have realized that it would be impossible to keep something like that a secret.  And now that it's out in the open, I fully expect her to retreat into the shadows, in keeping with her demure public persona, leaving the potential sale unconsummated. 

But be warned.  If Celine Dion decides that she would like to own a professional hockey team, then Celine Dion will own a professional hockey team.  And it may well be your professional hockey team.   But how would you know?  "Read more" to find out...

The Top Ten Signs Celine Dion has purchased your hockey team...

10)  Everyone on the roster is now 6'4" tall and weighs 97 pounds..

9)  René Angélil appointed strength and conditioning coach.

8)  Training staff suddenly consists entirely of 13 year old girls.

7)  2011 first round pick?  Leonardo DiCaprio.

6)  No number six.  Writer too busy mastering "Power of Love" on Guitar Hero.

5)  Georges Laraque under doctor's orders to shut the hell up for three days prior to every game.

4)  Third jerseys now 83% more sequined.

3)  All seats configured to rotate around the owner's box, which is now suspended over centre ice.

2)  Stanley Cup banners replaced by giant reprints of Celine Dion album covers.

And the number one sign your hockey team has been purchased by Celine Dion...

1)  What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Got your own?  Lemme hear 'em in the comments, and I'll post the best.

Comments (2)Add Comment
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written by Oman, April 18, 2009
Wow. I followed everything in your post, but the ShamWow dude beating up our hookers... that's a bit of a stretch isn't it?! He was totally set up. The hooker bit him first.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/a...sham1.html

Seriously scary though, how much power Celine wields up here in Canada. I heard it was her decision to hire Hartsburg this year so Canadian hockey fans would only have one Eastern Canadian team to cheer for in the playoffs during Montreal's 100th year anniversary. Rumour has it that she may have even had something to do with JFJ's hiring in Toronto...
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written by PvR, April 20, 2009
Oman provides some serious thoughts. I'm thinking that Celine is kinda like the smoking guy in the X Files. I see it now.

Scary

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Last Updated on Friday, 17 April 2009 23:42
 

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