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Those of you who've been with me for a while (Hi Mom!) know that I've tended, in the past, to get a little...oh, let's call it "emotional" shall we?...during the playoffs. Chalk it up to a passion bred of four straight losses to those bastards in Toronto, too many crushing defeats following 100+ point seasons and our one shot at Glory thwarted when no one bothered to show up.
Which is why I found my own reaction, as this season slid further and further down the shitter, somewhat surprising. It's much easier, I've discovered, to be calm and rational about not making the playoffs at all, than it is when the season is ended abruptly (and prematurely) by...say...a game five Jason Pomminville shorthanded goal in overtime. Then again, a frog will happily let itself be boiled to death if you heat the water around him gradually, so I'm not sure what that says about me.
Anyway, all that to say, for the first time in eleven years, I have cast an impartial eye upon the NHL post-season landscape and, possessed of an equanimity I've never known before, impart upon you, gentle reader, my completely objective prognostications for this year's playoffs! And only one involves Sean Avery being crushed beneath a Zamboni.
And really, what the hell else am I going to talk about?
For a half-assed and totally unresearched rundown on all four Eastern Conference match-ups, complete with the level of in-depth analysis for which I've become reknown (i.e.: none), please do what your screen is telling you, and "Read more".
(1) Boston Bruins (Stanley Cup of Chowder) vs. (8) Montreal Canadiens (Four Habs Fans): Hard to believe, I know, but these two teams really don't like each other much. There was a time where the Habs reeled off twenty straight series wins en route to a 24-7 all time record. A repeat of last year's first round, except with the seedings reversed, the only guarantee here is that that record will now be 24-8. Oh, and that no matter what happens, sometime in the next two weeks, something, somewhere in Montreal, will burn. So I guess that's two guarantees. Prediction: Bruins in 5
(2) Washington Capitals (Japers' Rink) vs. (7) New York Rangers (Blueshirt Bulletin): This series will, without doubt, be the most fun to watch. I will happily put aside my usual distaste for Ovie's post-goal histrionics if it means I can enjoy watching him leap Superman style, warm his hands or erect a shrine dedicated to himself built entirely out of used mouthguards and hockey tape over the bloodied and broken corpse of Sean Avery. Prediction: Caps in 6
(3) New Jersey Devils (Interchangeable Parts) vs. (6) Carolina Hurricanes (Carolina On Ice): Will this be the year where Lou Lamiarello's Undead Army of Faceless Cyborgs return for yet another Championship, thereby condemning a gentle and unsuspecting populace to the abomination that is Devils hockey? Thankfully, and to the relief of a grateful nation, Erik Cole and the white hot Whaleicanes say no. No it won't. Prediction: Canes in 7
(4) Pittsburgh Penguins (The Pensblog) vs. (5) Philadelphia Flyers (Eager To Go Psycho): I don't think I'm spilling any state secrets when I say that I detest the Penguins (the last two Ottawa-Pittsburgh playoff meetings certainly didn't help--especially last year). At the risk of having The Bettman Gestapo hunt me down and send me to their re-education camps, the prospect of watching Sidney Crosby whine and mewl his way through another post-season makes me want to plunge a spork through my eye socket. That said, I also have tremendous difficulty in rooting for anything with which Bobby Clarke is even remotely connected. So, rather than keep hoping they'll both be horribly crushed from above somehow...I'll just hold my nose and flip a coin. Prediction: Flyers in 7
So there you are. Tomorrow, I'll be rolling out my Western Conference picks. In the meantime, feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. And not to worry. Just because the Sens aren't playing, doesn't mean I'm taking my keyboard and going home. For one thing, I'm already home. And two, if you're a hockey fan, this is the greatest, if not only, time of year to be alive. IT'S THE PLAYOFFS BABY!!
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But first, here's hoping Ovechkin's flaming stick takes Avery with him. Kill it with fire.