|
Hi Eugene,
I'm not sure you realize this as it predates your shiny armoured arrival, but it's been quite some time since late season games didn't really matter much in these parts. Usually by mid-March, we Sens fans are busy watching the bottom half of the playoff seeds, girding our loins in anticipation, waiting to see what opponent will emerge from the morass to add to our soul destroying legacy of first round chokes.
But not this year. Nope, like the be-mulleted club kid in the parachute pants some of us were once rumoured to be, we've thrilled the ladies on the dance floor far past the point of exhaustion and really need to sit this one out for fear of restraining orders collapsing all together.
With that, and the fact that the average Ottawan has the attention span of a Ritallin crazed gnat in mind, it occured to me you may be having some difficulty selling tickets to our remaining six home games.
Well fear not, good sir, for you are truly in good hands. Because we here at Five For Smiting are all about the caring and compassion, especially where the gigantic wallet of the man who will have to pay Jay Bouwmeester next season is concerned, I'd like to offer you some suggestions on how to attract the crowds. Just follow me past this little jump. See it? That's right...Theme Nights!
Tuesday, March 17th: Buffalo Sabres
What better way to celebrate Saint Patrick driving all the priests out of Ireland and onto various sex offender registries then by the donning of The Green. More specifically, The Green as sported by the Dallas Stars! The first ten thousand fans will receive a limited edition commemorative skate blade autographed by Brett Hull, while between periods, 200 lucky fans will have the opportunity to win fabulous prizes by pummelling a giant Dominic Hasek pinata at centre ice. It'll be Gumby-rific!
Thursday, March 19th: Montreal Canadiens
Welcome to Centenarian Appreciation Night. We've combed every rest home, retirement villa, Royal Canadian Legion and palliative care ward from Renfrew to Hawksbury for anyone who was alive at the time of the Habs' first ever game and invited them all to be your special guests of honour. The first 5,637 fans through the door will receive the dog-eared, paperback copies of Ken Dryden's The Game we found behind the Sally Ann and a cup of delicious tapioca pudding.
Between periods, 23 of our guests will be invited to centre ice in order that we may grossly inflate their expectations by dangling that greatest of prizes (free hip replacement) before their eyes, only to pull it away at the last minute. The look on their faces as they realize that, no, they aren't entitled to anything simply by virtue of being 100 years old will keep 'em howling in their seats (the crowd...not the oldsters...although they may howl a bit too).
Saturday, March 21st: New York Islanders
It's Mike Milbury Night! A touching video tribute will be shown on the scoreboard before the game chronicling all that Mad Mike has meant to us over the years, beginning with the exchange of first round picks that brought us a pre-suck Wade Redden in exchange for Bryan Berard, through the Golden Age of Chara/Spezza/some-other-dude for Alexei Yashin and a bag of pucks. All fans in attendance will receive a keepsake $10,000,000 bill and a ten year supply of Nerf balls to hurl at their televisions during The Satellite Hot Stove.
Saturday, April 4th: Philadelphia Flyers
Welcome to Head Injury Awareness Night. Between the first and second periods, our Keynote Speaker, Eric Lindros, will deliver a stirring message, albeit rather slowly, on the dangers of multiple concussions as a bound and bleeding Steve Downie is lowered from the rafters into a tank of live piranhas. Pregame entertainment will include a cage match between Bobby Clarke and Valery Kharlamov's left ankle.
Tuesday, April 7th: Boston Bruins
Your Ottawa Senators Salute To Gitmo! Prior to the game, a crack unit of JTF2 commandos will be dispatched to the Bruins' hotel with orders to kidnap Peter Chiarelli. During the second intermission, the captive will be paraded to centre ice and there waterboarded until he agrees to return to us that which should have always belonged to us and that he so brazenly pilfered...Zdeno Chara. Should the...um..."aquatic encouragement" fail, we will then threaten to reinstall Harry Sinden as the Bruins' team president.
Thursday, April 9th: New Jersey Devils
And finally, we give you Night of the Samurai. Befitting not only the last home game of a miserable season, but also the logical hockey fan response to the possibility of the Devils holding yet another Parking Lot Parade ('cuz they sure as hell wouldn't chance one in Newark), all fans in attendance will be given a Japanese tanto in preparation for a second intermission mass seppuku. While it might make your upcoming season ticket campaign a tad more challenging, I think you'll agree that the publicity garnered from such an event will more than make up for a sudden drop in subscribers. Always remember, Eugene. There is an infinite supply of suckers with money. Just ask the Leafs.
And really, what do you have to lose? Would you rather go with the guy that did this?
 |
Bloguin is the revolutionary blog network specifically focused on helping bloggers get the most out of their websites. We're currently working on building a large network of online communities and hope to expand our blogging coverage to include a wide range of topics. 
The Bloguin Network allows advertisers to promote their products and services to our ever-growing number of visitors. We offer both site-specific ad placements as well as the ability to run a network-wide campaign. If you're interested in working with Bloguin to meet your advertising needs, please contact us.
The Bloguin Network is always looking to expand. We're specifically looking for blogs in the sports, entertainment, and video games field, but are open to adding any type of quality site. If you're a blogger and interested in joining our network, please fill out our application form.
The Bloguin Login gives you full access to everything our network has to offer. Your name and password will work for each and every one of our sites. Signing up is simple, and will allow you to post in all our forums, create member blogs, and access other cool features! What are you waiting for? Create an Account! 