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I had a dream last night. I dreamt that Ron Wilson was stopped at the gate to the Laffs flight out of Ottawa by Airport Security...an enormous Germanic she-male named Olga, with Volkswagons for biceps and fingers made of polish sausage. In my dream, she-he bade the good coach to surrender his carry-on bag so that it may be measured to ensure it complied with airport regulations. When it was found to be one-eighth of an inch too wide, he-she conducted a full body cavity search. With a forklift. As an aside, Beloved tells me I sometimes giggle in my sleep.
The Highs:
- Hmmm...might be time to update that scouting report, Ron: They (whoever they are) say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. This occurred to me as I watched almost every Leaf forward try to go high-glove on Grasshopper only to have it end in tears. If it's any consolation little ones, it looked pretty on Sports Centre.
- The Captain reminds us he's been called worse things by better people: 60 goals in 61 games against Toronto, including the roof blast last night that made Cujo look like a little girl. There not booing...they're saying "THANK YOU DANIEL. MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?" Keep it up, asshats. Five more and you get to keep the toaster you're being sodomized with.
- Hi. My name is Mike Shannoligno, and I'll be your pain in the ass this evening: With all due respect to The Big Three, the line of 26-12-71 absolutely pwned the Leafs last night. Bryan, Ryan is RFA after this year. If his name isn't on one of your offer sheets come July, you and I will have some serious issues.
The Lows:
- Ladies and gentlemen, a slight correction to your program: I can't help but notice, Mr. Philips, that you've had a rough couple of games...understandable really. We've all been a little cranky of late. Now that said, any chance you can stop channelling your inner Redden and snap out of it to return to the shut-down stud we once knew and loved? Knocking a few guys off the puck would be a good start. Oh, and not throwing suicide passes up the middle to Young Master Winchester would help quite a bit too.
- And now a word from the bush leagues: Nice try Ron. Hey, I understand. No, really, I do. Calling for a stick measurement when you're down by a goal with two minutes to go is one of those things most people would call "good strategy". The fact that they generally reserve that compliment for the seventh game of a playoff series and perhaps not for a nothing game in March between two teams going nowhere is completely immaterial. What matters is that Larry Tannenbaum thinks your a fucking genius, right? Then again, he thought Cliffy Fletcher was a genius too, when he wasn't talking to the office ferns.
- For every bush league lining, there is a dark cloud. I read that somewhere: Don't go thinking you're off the hook on this one Jason. Oh, no. What's one of the first things they teach you once you make a rep team? That's right...always mark your "legal" stick so that you know which one to use during the third period of a tight game. This is doubly important when that game involves an embittered former teammate now playing for the other side. If seeing Pastry's smirk as you skated to the box wasn't enough to convince you, then you really are as dumb as a Zamboni.
The Creamy Middle:
I don't care if it means nothing. I don't care if the Sens and Laughs are 29th and 30th in the standings (respectively). I don't care if the game is a snoozefest in March, as this one was, or the seventh game of the Eastern Final. Hell, at this point I don't even care if we win another game this season, save for the 11th of April. Just beat Leaf Nation. That's all I care about. Just beat Leaf Nation and, for at least six more months, shut their pus spewing pie holes.
Up Next:
The Almost-Hab Vinny Lecavalier and the Lightning come to The Bank tomorrow night, in what will no doubt be a black hole of epic suckitude. With any luck, having to expound on how many ways either of these two teams suck the hair from a moose scrotum will drive Pierre McGuire into premature retirement, if not an outright embolism. (7:00pm, TSN).
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